My wedding is approaching......

When you read this, I’ll be on my way to the registry office; Our plan is to do the legal bit on Monday and then a small group of family and a handful of friends are joining us at a beautiful farm in the country for the weekend, to see us get blessed and celebrate together.  

As it all approaches, my usual body shit comes up, just as I think I’ve finally got it all together I get smacked in the face with all these crazy thoughts.
'I’ve not lost enough weight, I won't look good in my pictures, self-hate that I haven't done more than I have to look good.' Thoughts of doing a final crash diet in the week are left washing around my head.   

To say that I’m more than tired of this stuff would be an understatement.
September is a great month for healing old wounds so I thought I’d take the opportunity to apologise to my body for the years of abuse and negativity I’ve exposed it to.
I’m proud of the things I've transformed. My relationship with my father, my life from drug and alcohol abuse to light and flow, I’ve found a fulfilling career, built passive income but my relationship with my body is still work in progress.
I’ve decided it's time to put down and leave behind the insecurities I’ve had for so long. So rather than crash diet I thought I would officially apologise to my body and draw a line in the sand.

So many patterns we have to clear, start in our childhood.

As a child I remember being chubby; crying after I got called fat following a ballet lesson ( blue jump suits aren't very forgiving) this carried into my teens where I got into the habit of obsessing about my weight. Then something magical happened; I played sport five, even six days a week and at age 16 I was a skinny size 10 and 5ft 11, of course I didn’t see it, I thought I was overweight. I could at that age eat anything I liked; playing that much sport meant I burnt it off.  

This led to a very overweight first year at university as I stopped the exercise, drank pints, and ate cheap pasta. Here my roller coaster began.

Twenty years later I’ve tried weight watchers, Cambridge, oh you name it I’ve done it! Recently my approach has been to cut out sugar and flour, lift weights twice a week and walk over 10,000 steps a day with my pups, and 30 minutes of Chi Kung daily to keep my Chi flowing, which is much more sustainable and enjoyable.

Knowing what I know about the mind body connection I have practiced self-love standing in the mirror naked admiring my good bits.

To my body though, I’m sorry for the unconscious thoughts that I still find myself having the flashes of self-hate and self-loathing. No wonder you don't know where you are!

As I start a new chapter of my life, I officially ask to leave behind my roller coaster past and embrace my stable future.

To those of you reading this we all have areas that come easily to us and others where we flounder, for some people it's money others, it's self-love. It's OK we’re all human and the best advice is being kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up. Try to catch your negative thoughts and turn them around, you're not your thoughts.  

The other thing is recognising your weaker areas and surround yourself with people who are stronger in that area.

Exercising twice a week has been made easier as Charlie, who I work with and her partner Jo are very fit and healthy and their enthusiasm has rubbed off.
So its on record now; To my body, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, I'M SORRY 🙏🏻

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